


Dead Inside

by Not__Misha__Collins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Established Relationship, F/M, Gen, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Sam Has a Crush, au in which john was abusive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2018-04-10 23:16:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4411688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not__Misha__Collins/pseuds/Not__Misha__Collins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“He didn’t abuse me!” Dean insisted, “It was just…discipline…”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

What made Dean so worthless? He supposed it started after the shtriga nearly got Sam.

**_John made him dig his own grave. Just hauled him out of Sammy’s earshot in the woods somewhere, handed Dean a shovel and told him to dig._ **

**_“Why?” Dean asked._ **

**_“Because you’re useless,” His father spat, “You nearly got Sammy killed. Maybe he’ll be a better hunter than you.”_ **

**_Dean only threw the shovel to the ground, which John picked up and hit him with it._ **

**_“Do as I say,” He demanded._ **

**_Dean nodded and begun to dig his grave. After digging a foot or so, he became exhausted and tried to stop._ **

**_“Now lay down.”_ **

**_“I’m sorry,” Dean begged._ **

**_John pushed him into the hole and begun shoveling the dirt on top of him. Dean closed his eyes tight and felt the dirt touch his face, but only gently. He soon ran out of air, and began to struggle to get out from under the dirt. Finally, John pulled him up and scooped the dirt off of him._ **

**_“Maybe next time you won’t abandon your own fucking brother,” John grumbled._ **

“He fucking BURIED you?” Sam yelled, “And you didn’t tell me this?”

“That would explain why it was easier for you to crawl out of the grave you were buried in,” Castiel said.

Emma, a brown-haired hunter and Dean’s girlfriend of two weeks, petted his head gently.

“Did he do it more than once?” Sam asked.

The older brother only stared forward, at nothing.

“Dean?” Sam asked.

Dean ignored that question, and continued.

**_John wasn’t exactly happy about Dean going to the boy’s home. Then again, he made it abundantly clear that he was glad to get his “worthless son” out of the way for at least a short while._ **

**_Often, Dean wondered why John never acted that way toward Sam. Not that he was complaining, but he just wondered. What did Dean do wrong? What did he do to deserve that kind of treatment? He tried to be the best hunter, tried to make his dad proud, but nothing was enough._ **

“You ARE a good hunter,” Emma said, “You and Sam…you saved the world. More than once.”

“You didn’t deserve it, Dean,” Sam asserted.

Dean only stared at him.

“I didn’t tell you what happened after you left, did I?”

**_“Where the hell is Sam?” John demanded._ **

**_“He left,” Dean said, “Stanford.”_ **

**_John grabbed Dean by the collar of his shirt, then shoved him, which caused Dean to fall on the ground. The older brother got up._ **

**_“I’m a fucking adult,” Dean said, “You don’t get to hit me anymore.”_ **

**_This infuriated John, who punched Dean, then hit him again, and again, and again. Dean could have fought back, but that was his father. And the things John was saying didn’t help matters._ **

**_“You’re weak,” He said, “You don’t even deserve to be a hunter. You’re barely a Winchester.”_ **

**_“Stop,” Dean pleaded, “Please.”_ **

**_“See?” John mocked, “Begging? Groveling? You pathetic, worthless piece of…”_ **

**_“STOP!” Dean yelled, “STOP IT! SAM LEFT ON HIS OWN, OKAY? I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! I TRIED TO STOP HIM!”_ **

**_John only scowled and walked away._ **

At this point, tears streamed down Dean’s face. **Crying? Really?** Emma held him closely. Five years after defeating Darkness, he and Sam were in semi-retirement, thirteen years since John had given his life for Dean, and he still heard his father’s voice in his head. He still wondered why John had traded his life for his “worthless” son’s. Maybe he had a change of heart.

“Why did you look up to him so much?” Sam asked.

“I wanted him to be proud of me,” Dean said, “He said he was, a few times, and that felt good. Just…I wished he wasn’t so strict.”

“Strict?” Sam yelled, “Dean, that’s abuse!”

“He didn’t abuse me!” Dean insisted, “It was just…discipline…”

Fourty-one. The older brother was fourty-one, and still denying what any logical person would consider child abuse. Sam shook his head, and Dean only closed his eyes and sighed.


	2. Emma

“You’re not dead inside, Dean,” Emma told him quietly, then, “If anyone is, I am.”  
“What?” Dean asked.  
“Remember how Sam was one of the ‘special children?’”  
“Yeah.”  
“I was one of them, too,” Emma said, “Except I was killed. A few years ago, someone took my place in Hell.”  
“Who?”  
“My older brother, Luke,” She answered, “I learned it from a few of the demons. I was in Hell for almost ten years.”  
“Ten?” Dean asked, “I mean…do you…are you seeing things?”  
“See things?”  
Dean explained about the hallucinations Sam had when his soul left Hell.  
“Oh,” She said, “Well, kind of. Sometimes, I’ll wake up in the middle of the night to scraping noise, and feel my skin being peeled off.”  
“Um, while you were down there…um…did you…” Dean didn’t know how to phrase the question. “Did I torture you” didn’t sound like it would suffice.  
“You’re wanting to know if I did any torturing,” She asked, “Well, yeah. For a few years. Earth years. I guess everyone does.”  
“But did you…”  
“Enjoy it?” She figured, “Yeah, actually. It’s kind of…”  
“Awful?”  
She nodded, then whimpered.  
“Dean, I…I know a little something about abusive relationships.”  
Dean groaned, and made his way from the kitchen of the bunker to the living room.  
“Oh, please don’t start,” He pleaded, “I’ve gotten enough from Sam and Cas.”  
“Well, I know exactly what you’re thinking,” She said, “They don’t.”  
“Oh, yeah?” Dean challenged.  
“You probably think that if you did better, if you weren’t so bad, he wouldn’t have done any of that to you,” She began, “And it’s probably always you’re fault, never his, am I about right?”  
“What do you know,” Dean put his guard up.  
“I had a boyfriend that pulled the exact same shit,” She said, “Hitting me when I didn’t do what he said. Insults, screaming.”  
“Well, that’s YOU.”  
“God, you are so…” Emma stopped herself.  
Dean stiffened when she approached him.  
“You really think I’m going to hit you?”  
He only stared at her.  
“Well, I’m not,” She said, and touched his face gently, “And I’m not going to leave you like this either.”  
Dean blushed. He had Sam, for the family side of things, and he figured Sam wouldn’t just ditch him any time soon. And both the brothers had Castiel. Now, Dean had Emma, for the romantic side.  
He sat on the couch.  
“You’re not going to drop this, are you?” He asked.  
“Probably not,” Emma scooted next to him, “But I’ll save it for later. Now, I’ll just cuddle with you on the couch.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning for mentions of sexual abuse

Sam paced the floor of the library, growing angrier and angrier by the second.  
“Buried him, Cas,” He mumbled, “Fucking buried him.”  
“It was a long time ago, Sam,” Castiel assured him.  
“I don’t care!” Sam yelled, “How could he do that? Who the hell does that to their fucking kid? Damn it!”  
“Sam, please calm down,” The angel said, “You’re scaring me.”  
“I’m sorry, Cas,” Sam approached the angel, “I just…Dean doesn’t think it’s abuse. He thinks it’s…normal.”  
“Perhaps the line of normal for him is skewed,” Castiel reasoned, “He is a hunter after all.”  
Sam took a deep breath. How could he have missed it? All those times Dean flinched when their father raised his voice at them or tried to touch him or Dean.  
“Please don’t blame yourself, Sam,” Castiel said, “You were a child too.”  
Sam hugged Castiel, then pulled back after a second.  
“Sam?” The angel wondered, “Did your father harm you as well?”  
The younger one paused.  
“I was his favorite. He said that he would never hurt me, that I was special…” Sam didn’t dare look at the angel, “I…thought it was…normal…”  
His eyes filled with tears. The angel tapped into his thoughts.  
“Sam…” a familiar voice spoke.  
The younger hunter turned to see Dean at the library doorway.  
“Dean…”  
“Why wouldn’t you tell me this?”  
“Because I let him do it,” Sam said, “I liked being his favorite, I liked not being hurt.”  
“Not being…HE MANIPULATED YOU!”  
“He buried you, Dean.”  
“When did it start?”  
Sam looked away from his brother, who took a few steps toward him.  
“Sammy,” Dean spoke, “When it started, how old were you?”  
“When I was eleven, he started saying things, like how handsome I was getting and…saying I was his favorite, and he could never hurt me…”  
Dean cringed with disgust, but kept approaching Sam.  
“When did it stop?”  
“When I left for Stanford…” Sam answered, “After I told Jess, she freaked out. And I realized it wasn’t even…normal.”  
“I spent…all of your life protecting you,” Dean said, tearing up, “From monsters, from evil. It was right FUCKING in front of us!”  
“He never hurt me,” Sam said, “He never FORCED me…”  
“No. He brainwashed you, made you THINK what he did was love and not…Sam, I’m so sorry.”  
The brothers hugged each other.  
“I’m sorry too, Dean. I should have told you but…he said you’d…be jealous…”  
“It wasn’t your fault, Sammy.”  
“Dean is right,” The angel spoke, “You were at an impressionable age when your father. You sought his approval, and his affection, and he took advantage of this.”  
Sam was disgusted with what he’d done. He couldn’t look at any of them, just ran to his room and locked the door.

  
**“Sammy, I’m not angry with you,” John said.**  
 **“You’re not?”**  
 **“No, of course not. You’re my favorite, remember?”**  
 **Sam shook his head, knowing what would be asked.**  
 **“I don’t want to.”**  
 **“Please, Sammy. I’ll be nice this time.”**  
 **“Promise?”**  
 **“Of course.”**

  
“Sammy, open up!” Dean yelled.  
“Go away!”  
“Please.”  
“I said no!”  
“You got nothing to be ashamed of, okay? I’m your brother, you can tell me anything.”  
Sam unlocked his door and faced Dean.  
“Was I...there…in the room when it happened?”  
No answer.  
“I was. You were getting raped in the next bed over and I just fucking let it happen!”  
“Dean, it wasn’t…”  
“No. Don’t you dare defend that sonofabitch! I should have been there, I should have known.”  
“You were asleep or out with your friends…”  
Dean’s eyes widened.  
“When he sent me on all those late-night runs…?”  
Again, no answer.  
“Damn it, Sam! You should’ve told me.”  
“He told me…”  
“I’d be jealous. Right…Cause getting raped is better than getting beaten, is it?”  
“Stop saying that.”  
“What?”  
“That I was raped. I wasn’t raped.”  
“He got you pretty brainwashed, didn’t he?”  
“I let him do…those things to me. I allowed it to happen.”  
“You think telling him no would have stopped anything?”  
“It didn’t,” Sam said, then elaborated, “Not always.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I think he slipped me something. I’d fall asleep and wake up kind of sore.”  
“So he roofied you,” Dean had clenched teeth, “I can’t…Sam…”  
The older brother just walked away silently, trying to hold in his anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be another chapter or two after this


End file.
